My Little Life

Living a single lesbian life

2011-08-01T22:07:00.004-05:00

So, here is a resent photo of me. Not bad hay, well still this doesn't give me any booty, or a partner for that matter. I have been single for, wow, many years, and still no woman has shown much interested other then being a friend. Which is OK, I like having friends. But that ideas doesn't help during those long, lonely nights. I am aware that wile there are now millions of same-sex marriages, there are just as many single LGBTs that either choose to be single, or for one reason or another just can't find the right woman for them.

Maybe that is my problem. I am picky. Maybe I have this huge imagination about what the perfect woman for me would be.

Well she does need to want me, I mean I don't want to waist my time with a woman who doesn't care about me or anything. I would do anything for a woman who shows she cares. She also should be a little sexy, maybe average size or better. Maybe blond, or brunet, I don't care about hair or eye color. Nor do I care if she is tall or short, heck I'm short. She does need to be educated, at least a BA in something. I have a BA in film so at lest that or more. And, most of all, lives in the same state as I do. I so hate long distance relationship. I just don't see the point in those. The longer apart a couple are, the easier it is to find someone els, then what happens. You brake up. So that is not for me.

So were does all of that leave me. Well, lonely, for sure. Hanging around the other lesbians just hoping one will show some interest in me. But I am working on excepting that it is ok. That list is just a wish list. Having the friends that I have and being somewhat supported from my family at least gives me some comfort and that is at least something. I will aways wish to have a civil union, but I can only have what I have, so what can I say.

IT IS PRIDE AGAIN!!!

2011-06-22T15:26:00.007-05:00

Yay, for PRIDE!! What a time of year!! My community comes alive as we all celebrate being US!! being GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS, and QUEERER. Yes it is PARTY TIME! This year is especially special to celebrate because a lot has happened in the community the past year. DADT is gone, marriages, and civil unions are all around, even TV is showing us in a good light, and for the third time I will be in the parade.

I love being in the pride parade. You walk for what seems like houres and crowds shout and clap as you walk with your fellow lesbians. You feel a rush of joy and happiness as you see how much people except you and are proud that you are you.

Of cores there is nothing wrong with being in the crowd either, except you are stuck with smelly, drunk people that scream in your ear and you are unable to see what is going on, so you have to push through the smelly crowd and if you are lucky someone will move for you to let you see what is going on.

Let us not forget all the parties that go on, OH WOW are there parties! Midsummer fest with all it's food and music will may you gain a hundred pounds then loos it by sweating to the beat of what ever band is playing, the shops that sell their stuff for pennies will make you feel like a millionaire with all your bags of goodies.

The Backlot Bash is not to be missed with lesbians upon lesbians drinking and dancing for three nights in a row. I mean nothing but alcohol and rock bands blasting all night long. Everyone just goes crazy and there is dancing and making out all over the place.

But that is what happens, and it is all in good fun and feeling good for who we are as a people, and who we are as a community.

HAPPY PRIDE!!!!!!!!!!!

Celebrating the Genderless Baby

2011-05-31T19:33:00.017-05:00

A Genderless Baby, thank God, for a genderless baby. We should all celebrate in the wonderful life of a genderless baby, for this is the final frontier. GENDER is the final frontier because it is what we are all seen as. Man is man, woman is woman. We are all programed to just see two genders and except two genders. Yet there are tons of non-western cultures that recognize several genders, even celebrate the differences amongst them.

Why is this worth celebrating and recognizing? Because this is what is feared the most, NO GENDER. The religious right doesn't know what to do about it, everyday communication will change, and people will have to start thinking in a different way. The concept of seeing people as people and not by their gender. WOW, what a concept! We all must celebrate this new and wonderful baby.

The other reason for recognizing this is that I am gay. To be more specific, a Butch ( a lesbian who looks and acts more like a male), and even more specific soft butch. There are all kinds of butches, as there are all kinds of Fems (a lesbian who looks and acts feminine). If we follow this we see there are lots of different kinds of males and females.

What constitutes a male and female? Well the genitalia, you know, between the legs. So what if there wasn't any genitalia? Maybe breasts, but what if there weren't any breasts? How else will the GENDER be identified? Good question; BY THE INDIVIDUAL HUMAN! Everybody has the right to say and identify who they are. This is why this baby needs to be recognized as a wonderful being of change.

The genderless baby is the first of what I believe and hope will be the generation that will bring the ultimate change we all need, to be seen and judged by our deeds, not by our gender.

Being Nice and Being seen as Silly

2010-03-28T23:01:00.002-05:00

So here I am, A single lesbian and I am simply trying to get to know other women as a friend, just a friend, and I am seen as putting the moves on them when all I am doing is trying to be nice like getting to know them, chatting, going for a bite, and just happen to have gift certificates.

I tell you I don't get it when after you go out just for a simple bite with a women you like and just want to get to know better, they turn around and almost accuse you of putting the moves on them. I mean all you are doing is using the gift certificates you were holding on for months and are just sitting around going to waist, and who wants to waist money like that.

Did she think that since I just happen to have the gift certificates that I was putting the moves on her? I don't see it. If a women was putting the moves on me it would have to be more obvious than that. I see this as a nice gesture, not a move.

I have been in flings that were a lot more obvious then just sitting and talking. There were moves being done then simply paying for a bite with certificates. I mean there was hand holding, kissing, hugging, flirting, etc... going on at the table then just a friendly conversation about life and work that me and the woman had.

I am just confused? there you are just simply sitting and enjoying the company of a fellow lesbian, laughing and eating and then paying for the meal with gift certificates and thinking everything is fine and then suddenly getting an e-mail that read along the lines of, 'you know we are just friends right?' An insult. Trying to be nice and all you get is an insult, making you feel like you are some kind of a slut or something.

How does anyone get to know anybody without seeming silly or whatever? I mean why do people have gift certificates in the first place if they are not going to use them. I just wanted to use the certificates I had and at the same time get to know someone. Why am I the bad girl here when all I was doing was talking to someone.

I leave this out there so people can see how silly it is to over react to a simple gesture of someone paying for lunch with gift certificates.

Community

2010-03-14T19:13:00.002-05:00

Did I every tell you I am a lesbian? Probably not. That is usually not the first thing I tell people when I meet them. I AM GAY!!! I am an OUT, PROUD, LESBIAN! There! So now that that is out of the way I can now speak of my wonderful community of LGBTQ!

I have been out since college, as well as most of the lesbians in my generation. We have come out in college or a little later. I am proud of my community, we are fun, caring, loving women who just want to have fun and be who we are.

Community is what counts in our lives. It is what we as out LGBTQ need to keep going, keep living, and keep loving who we are. It also is like a second family. Since many (again I am speaking from my experience, not stating facts or anything) primary families dislike us. They verbally abuse their gay kids and some even through them out of the house. They end up on the streets alone with out any place to call home.

We help each other in the community. We take in homeless gay youth and we help them to be proud of who they are. The Pride Parade helps us to convey our pride to the world, and help bring others out. That is the best tradition of the community, coming out. Everyone has a story, some good, some bad, some so inspiring that you just know in your hart that who you are is the best there is.

My out story is simple. Came out to myself in college, worked with it till I was comfortable with it, then in my late twenties told my family and they were fine with it. That is it. My mom even gets involved in the community here and there. Witch is great for me. Single yes, but always looking for a great woman to have in my life,(any woman out there want a great lady as a partner?)

I am sure what I am telling is nothing you haven't heard before being that now kids in high school are coming out! witch I find fantastic. I contribute kids coming out to the Gay-Straight Alliances that are popping up all over the place in schools to bring our community to the forefront and I say well done to them. They work hard to educate people about LGBTQ and that is another wonderful example of how a community should be.

All of the organizations The Task Force, GLAAD, Human Rights Campaign, Gay-Straight Alliance, and Equality Illinois just to name a few organizations that are a major part of our community. There are so many groups that support us that it will take hours just to name them all and each one is a vital part of all our lives because with out support we will be drifting in a sea of loneliness and hate.

Speaking of hate, I have not so nice words to say about the religious right and most straightes (straight people), but in this online world were things can be miss construed I will keep it to myself. I will simply say that I am against the religious right and most religions all together because they don't help us. They don't like LGBT and they remind us all the time they want to get rid of us. So why should I, an out lesbian, want anything to do with any religion?

And those straightes, well I will just say I am against most straight people. The very, very few that are our allies are OK, but I just can't stand straightes, they bore me and seem (to me) to be just as liam and silly as religion. I have never met a straightes that sounded ( yes I will be slightly insulting) intelligent or seem to have any idea of who they are and what they want, or had any ideas at all. Hell they even make jokes about us and don't seem to care. I mean really I just can't stand them.

Oh believe me I can go on and on about what I am against, but I really rather talk about what I am for witch is my LGBTQ community! My community that is pushing for change everywhere and is making everybody see what equality really stands for. We come together every day, week, year and we strive to change harts and minds to what the world really can be.

I see a wonderful future for my fellow LGBT and it is coming!! Our rights are coming, our lives are coming, and our loves are coming so look out world WE ARE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE QUEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE LGBTQ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being Sensitive

2010-03-09T20:43:00.004-06:00

HELLO WORLD!! I am back, from where? who knows, for what? who cares. I am going to try and get going on writing what I am thinking and doing. Hopefully a little more often then the past several months.

First off a very belated happy new year to the world and hope the world is doing well. I am OK and busy, busy. A lot has been going on (obviously since I haven't written in a long time.) So I guess I should start!

Don't you hate it when you feel sad, really sad that you probably hurt an animal, or a person, by accident and after words people tell you to get over it after seeing that nothing happened. I was playing with a puppy recently, a very cure puppy and I didn't know the best way to pick the puppy up. So I picked the puppy up from the shoulders and somehow dropped the puppy on the floor with a big thump.

Now the puppy was OK, still running around and such, but I heard the thump and a little squeak and thought I hurt it really badly. So I was upset and cried a little. I work part-time with animals and I am usually really great with them. Just this time I was probably a little over playful, I guess, but still this was at work and I really felt bad for hurting the puppy.

So I cried the rest of the day, not out loud, just teary eyed and muffled sobs. Co-workers as well as my boss told me to get over it. Since the puppy was OK and not hurt, all it was was just an accident.

Just an accident?! I thought from the sound of the puppy landing on the ground and the squeak the puppy made that I hurt it, and they are telling me TO GET OVER IT?! Why, shouldn't my boss and co-workers be glad that they have someone there that is sensitive about animals being hurt, shouldn't they be glad that I care so much that even accidentally hurting an animal would bothers me.

I don't get people sometimes. I am a sensitive person and any person or animal that is hurt bothers me. So why do people say GET OVER IT?! when they see someone crying over hurting an animal or a person they say put yourself together and GET OVER IT?! People should just let the really sensitive of us cry if we need to.

This is what I think drives people to do drugs and drink. We are not allowed apparently by society to feel anything!! we are always told to stop crying, get over it, put yourself together, etc.. Why can't the world just let people feel what they are feeling and let each other see that we are all human and they we care.

We all put on a mask everyday and act as if we are robots, when we are not. How long does the world expect people to act like that before someone explodes and needs drugs or alcohol to keep on covering their feelings. Why is showing feelings such a bad thing to do in public. We all have feelings, and constantly being told to not have them is not helping.

This is a new day, and we have a new president, so why can't we make our lives anew and just let people feel what they feel without verbally whacking them into drugs and drinking. If you work with animals and you are annoyed that a co-worker is upset that an animal was hurt then maybe you shouldn't be working there. Heck maybe you shouldn't be working anywhere because there will always be sensitive people. People who will cry in public, who will have tear stained eyes because another living creator is hurt, physically, or emotionally.

These are the people that should be held as heroes, as examples of who we really are, HUMANS! Humans care, react, talk, listen, and have feelings. You can't keep from being human, you can't get over being human, and you just can't always pull yourself together being human. So why do people say such things? Why is there a silly expectation that we can't be us, people who care and show we care? Why is there always a reminder to ACT AS IF? That never helps anybody and just causes more trouble to people.

I leave you for now with this to think about. Why tell someone to stop crying? If you see a person crying because they felt they hurt a living thing, why say get over it? How? how would you get over hurting a living thing? So next time you see a sensitive person, comfort them if you want, but please have a hart and let them be HUMAN!

Back from camp

2009-09-01T19:05:00.002-05:00

Hay all! well just got back yesterday from adult camp and I must say it was different then I thought. First off there didn't seem to be much structure in what was going on. It seemed a lot more like a free for all, open ended and that was a little uncomfortable for me since I was expecting more of a separation for the men and women. I was hoping to be spending the week with just the women and yet found myself with the men and women and that was a disappointment.

I wanted to find myself a partner and saw that there were no singles event so I could not tell who was a couple and who was single. Everyone was together at everything and so there was no telling apart who was with who. So that again was disappointing.

Main it self was nice. Tall trees, the lake, the stars, nature itself was very open and beautiful. It was sunny most of the time and I swam in the lake as often as I could. I also did some other actives such as Broadway dancing, songwriting, and the ropes. All were nice and fun, but I still was having a difficult time being relaxed when there were way too many men around and not finding a woman that was single.

Did I mention I was the only woman from Chicago. The majority of the people there were from New York, Massachusetts, and the DC areas, so I felt even more unsure of finding someone. I did end up talking to a few partners and that was OK. At least I didn't get socked in the mouth for talking to someones partner.

At the end I saw that the whole point of the camp was not to find someone, but to just hang out as a community. I didn't get that till the end that no one was there to find anyone, just to be there. I still could not except that since my whole point of going was to find a partner and not succeeding in that I was just plain annoyed.

I had a plain ticket home, but went on the Amtrak train instead. It was very nice and relaxing after a frustrating week. The train past Boston, Upstate NY, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Indiana, and then Chicago. I needed that slow ride home so I can think about the week and how I could have used that time better. I could have made a friend, relaxed, do more of the activities, or something instead of focusing on something that was not there. A single woman. So here I am and I am not planing on going back any time soon. But maybe in the future I mite, just to see if I can change my tune about it and maybe just hang.

Going to camp

2009-08-19T17:29:00.002-05:00

Well hi there anyone who is reading me. I am going to adult camp next week. What is an adult camp? Well for me it is meeting other adults at a very calm and fun setting. The setting being Main, calm being there are trees, lakes and activities. Yes there will be cabins, five to a cabin, food (breakfast, lunch, and dinner), evening dances and maybe some beer, but all in all the idea is to do activies together.

What are the activities? Well not sure yet, but I am sure they will be fun. I found this camp on-line believe it or not and what got my attention is that it is for adults. A camp for people in their 20's-50's. So I wonder what kind of activities there mite be? Maybe hiking, swimming, art, dancing, or boating.

I also understand that one does not have to do any of the activities. One can just relax and hang around Main. But then what would the point of doing the camp be if you are just there to hang. You pay money to have these activities available so why not do something.

I for one am looking to getting away from this nothing, mundane, boring routine I have of sending out now over five hundred resumes on line, walking all over the city, and staring at the TV. Everyone needs a change and this is mine.

So to end this one I will just ask : what do you do for fun? what do you do to distract yourself from the mundane life and routine?

Horoscopes are just silly

2009-08-11T21:35:00.002-05:00

So every time I look at my horoscope in a newspaper, or online, I notice that it really never is applicable to what is going on in my life at the moment. It seems to think that I am in a relationship, or have a job, or kids, or traveling, but I am never in either.

So what is the point of horoscopes if what ever it says is meaningless. Maybe it is just guessing and who ever is writing these guesses has really nothing to back it. Just like going to those fortune tellers on the street and paying them twenty bucks just to hear a lie that, just like on line, or the newspaper, is a guess.

What is the point? Maybe they are just wishes (at least the positive ones are). Wishes that are out there so people can think it will happen and feel good. I just think it is silly to even bother with reading if you believe what it says and base your everyday around it.

They make movies on how horoscopes affect people's thinking and behavior, and games to encourage the idea that they are true and affective. And even celebrities seem to go for what they say and claim that they live their lives by it. (OK that last bit was a joke) But really I get frustrated with reading them.

Since at the moment nothing is really going on in my life that reading horoscopes seem to take up time in my day. I read them everyday and over focus on why it claims I should have a relationship, job, kids, money, travel when in reality I don't have any.

So I through this blog out into the void wondering if anybody even cares what I say on here. If they don't then I am just as content to put ideas out there to think about and ask ourselves. Why do we need horoscopes?

The next day

2009-08-10T07:17:00.005-05:00

Well here I am. Day two of blogging. I will try to come on here as often as I can, but maybe not everyday, I do want to have a life. Witch I guess I do. I have a great supportive family of my mom and step dad who help me financially and my dad who owns my apartment witch of cores helps me a great deal since that means no rent to pay. So I am not destitute, but I still can't afford to do a lot of things. The financial help is just enough to pay for basic stuff like the phone, the gym, and food. I really do miss being financially independent.

And my friends who invite me to go out here and there, and who chat with me on the phone for hours on end. I so do look forward to going out and being active, it is very easy to get really bored and depressed just sitting around cause you can't afford to do much more.

Did I say I am single? I am, and at this point a good thing since I only have me to support. I really can't afford to support anyone else, so that is a relief if you can call it that, but I do get lonly and wish I had a companion to take my focus off myself.

So to end this blog I would say I am in a good spot to find something to do that I like. What that is, even after all these months, I really don't know. I would do probably any kind of job as long at is pays something, or I gain experience from it.

Welcome to my very, very first blog

2009-08-09T17:47:00.002-05:00

Hi out there in web land! This is my very, very first actual blog!! I just saw Julie & Julia and I just thought what a wonderful idea. You see I have way too much time on my hands and I know I have a lot to say about lots of things that go on in my life and in the world, so why not just put my thoughts out there into the void.

So here it goes.

To start out with I have been out of work for a while now, no surprise since more than half of the people I know are out of work and it is tough. I am educated with two degrees in film and computers, but even with those it is not easy. I have send out resumes through CareerBuilder and craigslist and went personally to places and handed my resume straight to whoever I was told to give it to. It has now been months since I have gotten a reply from any of the places I gave my resume to.

So I try to keep busy with social activities, family, friends, and volunteer here and there, but I am use to working. I got a job right out of college and worked all through my twenties. I worked at film labs, archives, and retail places. I like feeling like I can do something and be useful. Now a days I try to gain what ever little experience I can with the volunteering. If you are curious I am in my mid thirties now.

My generation is feeling the pinch of what life might have been like for our grandparents during the Depression. Not that I think we are that deep in financial woes, but we are sure no longer in the Wall Street 80's were money kept flowing and jobs were everywhere. (at least that was my experience even though I was a kid during that time).

But like I said I was always able to find a job in doing something and I am frustrated and bored with waiting and waiting for anything. It is a struggle for everyone. It doesn't mater what religion, race, gender, or age you are everyone is feeling the affects of the economy fall.

They say there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have yet to see it.

So I sit here, mid thirties, unemployed with two degrees and wondering what can I do now. There has got to be hope out there somewhere and that is what I try to stick to. HOPE. Hope for a job, hope for a better life, hope for love, hope for all.