Turning 40

So another year ends and another one starts. I just turned 40. Over the hill or not yet over the hill, I don't know, but I am another year older and feel fine about it. I know some ladies once they hit 40 they get nerves or don't want to mention their age, like getting older is a bad thing or something.

Everyone has a right to their views about age, my view is that I don't care how old I am, just the concern of  am I contributing to my community the best I can. That is, what I believe, more important then age, race, religion, sexual orientation, ect..., ( though my community is my sexual orientation, LESBIANS) so I guess sexual orientation is very important to me, oh well.

That is how I identify: First: OUT PROUD LESBIAN, Second: American, Third: Jewish. I don't base anything on age, race, or religion that is why my religion is way down the line. One should simply want to do good, not based on religion or anything. Just do good cause you are human, that should be the only reason to do anything.

The best thing about getting older to me is, and I hope I don't offend anyone, is getting a hysterectomy. Yes, getting a full hysterectomy! no more period and can ware any pants I want without getting worried about the usual period problem of spots on pants. One's body does very interesting things as we get older, and we live in a time were all we have to do is get a quick operation and all good.

The other good thing about getting older is all one has learned with dating and having flings.  I know now what kind of lady I like. With all the wonderful ladies I have been with the past twenty years I really do know what kind of lady soot's me. I do hope to be married to that lucky lady someday, until then I am glad I know who I want and what I want.

I am looking forward to see what this year gives.

Living with Dermatillomania

Living with Dermatillomania ( skin picking) is a very tuff disorder to live with. I have had this since I was eight or nine and for years I have went through therapy, treatments, meds, clinics, and tests for this issue. It use to be called Trichotillomania (hair pulling) until the latest DSM came out with the official name: Excoriation disorder. The need to pick would over power the need not to pick. The scars get wores and wores to the point of bleeding and becoming deep holes in the skin.

I call it a reactive disorder because it reacts to internal and external events. Meaning even if there was nothing to stress about or worry about I pick non-the less because of the stories that my head would tell. Using nothing more then just a hint of a reason to worry or stress. I pick for hours a day just reacting to that one idea, or a slew of ideas at once.

The external could be anything. A party, TV, movies, work, school, parents, siblings, social events, just walking by the water, or talking on the phone. Any of this brings the picking up, just simply because I am reacting to events.

The internal could also be anything. A dream, a thought, happy, sad, mad, angry, depressed, ect.. just anything my head does brings the picking up. This part is what is frustrating because I have to stop and analyze what I am thinking or doing to see why I am reacting to it. I do this because meds have been shown not to work, so I do therapy and self-analyzing instead.

I pick in the morning, evening, walking around, talking to people, or sit and doing nothing. This disorder is just a reactive issue I have. I recently learned that I have an overactive occipital lobe witch I do believe also contributes to the disorder. 

This is not to say that meds and other treatments wouldn't work for others with the same disorder, but for me, it seems to take a lot of work just to function everyday and try not to re-act too much to ideas and things as to not increase the picking reaction. 

How I try to help my community

I have not written this year yet. I am just trying to make sure I just write about me and not about anyone else. Since I have a little quiet life, there is never much to write about. What I do do for my lesbian community is very little and am not sure if I make much of a difference.

For example I founded Being Gay Today. I have two web pages and a Facebook page for it. I don't make money with it. It is more of a tool for others to get the help they need. I never know if anyone has been on the websites or have contacted me through it. I am still proud of it anyway even if no one used them.

I do have a MeetUp social group for single lesbians witch seems to be doing OK. a few hundred if at all. I put up at least twelve events a month just to make sure that there is always events for lesbians to do. I don't always go but am glad the few who do do the events seem to have fun.

Then the newer contribution the L Lounge at the Center. A lesbian social, support, and friendly get together every month were lesbians can just hang, eat, drink, and just chat about life and community. No expectation, just being among your fellow lesbians in a special space were you can be you.

That is all. Not much els, what else can a single, poor, lesbian do for her community? who knows. I just try to be content with the little I can do and just hope I contribute a little.

Another Years Ends

So another year ends and I know I have learned a lot, mostly about posting things. I learned I have to edit myself when ever I have something to say. Wile I am not always happy to do so, since I have argued that I never named anyone in what I post, I figured it is best to just talk about myself since I am the one who is writing.

I also learned about loss. Loss of a great friend and a loss of a romance. The loss of a friend hurts more than the loss of a romance because I felt closer to the friend then the romance. Maybe because the romance was only a few months and the friendship was around a lot longer. Don't get me wrong, the romance was nice, but again it didn't last long. So the pain of that doesn't last as long as the pain of missing a friends one has had for years.

History also happened this year. LGBTQ rights were in the forefront of the news and we had our voices heard, and with that change in harts and minds of allies that helped us make the changes that was needed. I now live in a state where I can marry and be protected. Other countries are also starting to change in our favor and make laws protecting LGBTQ people. This makes me even more proud to be a Out, and Proud Lesbian!

What to look forward to for next year? Don't know yet. Hope to find a lady to marry, friends to hang with, family to visit with, and a future full of lesbian pride and happiness. What ever next year brings I know I will still be learning more.



                                               HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Being By My Self

Hay all, anyone out there? probably not. I am by myself a lot these days. I do Part Time jobs here and there, but most of the time I am alone. One would think that not having a lot to do would drive someone crazy, but not me. I seem to do OK, or even better when alone and in a calm environment.

I have always been alone and I have learned to except it as part of my little existence. I don't do much most of the time except TV and walking around, but I am OK with that. I am limited in function, and duo to that I am not able to keep a job or anything like that.

To me, being calm and just hanging is healthy for me for my mental precises. I need to be able to think in a calm and quiet place. I am unable to do so otherwise.  That is what is needed when one has the LD OCD 's that I have. The environment needs to be calm and quiet.

So, yes I am by myself a lot and I am OK with that. I am OK with relaxing and watching images on the screen, looking out the window at the change of the weather. And when I do the little PT that I do do I at least know that the environment is good enough for the time I am there.

  

Missing my friend

My friend of many, many years died recently from cancer. I don't know what tipe it was, just that is was cancer. This was my best friend, the only non-family person that cared about me a lot. We were not girlfriends, partners, or were even serious, but she would call every week to make sure I was ok and keeping busy.

She would hang at my little place a lot and watch TV, chat, or play on her laptop. It was very nice to know that someone other then family cared about me. Not that family is not important, but I really never had any friends, or anyone that really cared about me other then family.

Towards the end I would go over to her place and make sure she was ok. She was not able to talk mutch, she was connected to a breathing machine and didn't want too many people around due to having low energy. But she was always glad to see me and wanted me to come over as mutch as I could. No one, except for family, wants me around that mutch.

I was a polebear at her funeral. It was a very strict church that was not very welcoming to LGBT and sounded like the priest was condemning her life. I was so very uncomfterable not only because it was a church, but an unfriendly one. I was squeemish and moved a lot in the chair. I was not sure if her family knew she was gay. When her family was around my friend would shoosh me to not talk about the community when they were around. So I guess they didn't.

I really miss my friend. She cared about me, she would always call me and want to hang with me all the time. I know she had a good life and cared about people. I could only hope that I leave such a mark on someone's life like she did mine.

When people give you unwanted advice

So I am on Facebook and I am simply putting my feelings out there about how I feel about my girlfriend going back home to a different state then me and I may never see her again since I know she is not happy being in my state. Not that we won't still contact each other now and then and we will be friends when she goes home, but I do have the right to miss her without people suggesting that I move to her state with her.

I don't have money to move and neither does she. She was here to go to school so she can work back home, and we agreed to just have a summer romance and knew it would have to end soon. But all I get from people on Facebook is why don't you go after her and live with her, you two seem so happy together.

Hay I would live with my girl if I had money, or felt that I could contribute to our life together, but I can't and I am tired of acquaintances who I don't think know my situation well, or who did not even ask me  why we are mutually braking up,  giving unwanted advice. They feel that they have a right to  state what they think you should do to keep the one you love without asking why the bake up has to happen in the first place.

 So this is what I got to say to those ' helpful people out there who simply want to sound important'. Quit it, Facebook is not only about being helpful to each other, but also a place for people to vent their feelings about something without unwanted advice about their feelings or situation. Just knowing you have a place to vent your feelings is just good enough.